Over the past six weeks, my house has been on the market because it was to be featured on a segment on The Daily Show. Hosted by John Oliver, the segment was to be about trying to sell housing in a desirable community in a down market. The segment aired on 7/27 and ended up not featuring my house because at the last minute the celebrity The Daily Show had enlisted for a gag backed out. If you've seen the segment where Oliver blasts Timothy Geithner for not being able to sell his house (he rented it for about $7k/month, though) the part about the auction? That's probably where my house (which is less than 100 meters as the crow flies from Geithner's house) was supposed to be featured.
In anticipation of the crew showing up to tape in my house, I put together a selection of chocolate and signed a couple of books for Jon and John as well as for the producer in the off chance they'd be intrigued and the casting director would give me a call to sign me up for an appearance.
As my eyes glazed over working late last night over my keyboard I had a vivid waking dream that I was watching my interview with Jon Stewart on the Comedy Central website. My mental transcript follows:
Jon Stewart: So how did you become a chocolate critic?
Clay Gordon: It's not like you can go to school and become a chocolate critic, so I had to figure it out for myself, sort of like there's no graduate program in becoming a television political commentator. ... Hey! Why don't we go into business together and start a franchise online university were we teach people to become movie critics and restaurant critics and the like?
JS: [in an affected pose and voice] What are you suggesting?
CG: I could be the head of School of Chocolate Criticism and you could be the dean of the School of Political Punditry. You'd be great at it. You could get one of those long sweaters with the leather patches at the elbows, start smoking a pipe, and fall asleep in the front of the class while screening Daily Show highlight reels. We'd make millions.
JS: I like the job I have now. (audience laughs)
CG: You could have totally meaningless but physically very, very satisfying relationships with hundreds of beautiful coeds.
JS: When do we get started? (audience laughs and applauds riotously)
Now, of course, they're never going to invite me on as a guest. Because they will be afraid: very, very afraid.